welcome. this test is a dialogue between you and yourself. it will help you to find your way through life better than you do now.
this test needs time. only do it, if you are willing to spend at least 15 minutes.
alright. make yourself comfortable. close your eyes for a minute and take a few deep breaths. relax. don't think to much about the questions. be.
you can choose a maximum of two answers per question!
(there are some answers in orange, they are linked. you can open all the links in new parallel tabs to answer the question. this may help you to concentrate)

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how do you say goodbye to your friends?

a. i hug them
b. i shake their hands
c. i wave but do not touch them
d. i try to sneak out without being noticed

who would you be in a caravaggio painting?

a. judith
b. amor
c. petrus
d. the fortune teller

how many youporn categories do you know?

a. 0-10
b. 11-20
c. 21-30
d. 30+

what would you like to know more about?

a. the civil war in syria
b. the life and death of mata hari
c. the philosophy of hegel
d. permaculture

what are you tired of most?

a. religion
b. heterosexuality
c. postmodernism
d. children

what would you prefer?

a. to be blind
b. to be deaf
c. i would rather die
d. i will not answer this question, it´s sick.

choose your karaoke song:

a. happy birthday (das leben ist kein wunschkonzert)
b. rude boy
c. there is a light that never goes out
d. put your head on my shoulder

choose one number

a. 20041889
b. 4 8 15 16 23 42
c. 3,14159
d. 15

who do you like, but would prefer not to?

a. the one i only wanted to have sex with
b. the one i hurt
c. the one who hurt me
d. the one i like most

you never run out of

a. compliments
b. suggestions
c. phobias
d. bad moves

after you've had sex with somebody for the first time

a. i phone him/her
b. i write a text message
c. i add him/her on facebook
d. i avoid contact

why are gay men such good artists?

a. they have an intense connection to their feelings and an extraordinary ability to express their emotions
b. they are directly confronted with the exclusion-mechanics of society and are therefore sensitive for what is going wrong in our world
c. the question should be: why are so many gay men good artists but lesbian women are not?
d. this question reproduces stereotypes on homosexuals!

who are you?

a. him
b. him
c. her
d. him

who is lying?

a. i dont know.
b. i dont care.
c. i do not.
d. truth is not a possibility that language offers you.

your favourite minority?

a. ski jumpers
b. palestinians
c. vegans
d. women

you can always be found

a. surrounded by people while telling my latest adventures
b. in the shower after having sex, regretting
c. alone but happy in the cinema
d. when needed

what would you like to do more

a. phoning my parents
b. crying
c. being silent
d. telling the truth

you are always

a. late
b. loud
c. lousy
d. learning

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alright. which two letters did you choose most often? that's your type! (btw: a&b = b&a, and so on)

a&b: what's wrong with you? did you only read the first two possible answers? or are you really an a&b type? in this case, i have to warn you! life is not a wunschkonzert. not for peter not for boris, not for rita not for paul, not for conny not for eva, not for mami not for granny, not for robert and roberta. you want peace and happiness. bad enough. but stop stealing it from others. get a life.

a&c: well... actually you are a cat. who made you believe otherwise? find out and break up with everyone who doesn't want you to purr, to roll around, to sleep and eat the whole day. say yes when you are in season, say no whenever you're feeling stubborn. it's you right! it's your duty! stop talking and walking, stop thinking and evolving. life is a wunschkonzert! meow!

a&d: great, i am also the a&d type. only good things will happen. you are an amazing artist. and more importantly: an incredibly human being. your soul and your brain have this very special connection, that's not to be disturbed. serve the greater good and create your own personality test.

b&c: congratulations: you are gay! if you had not noticed that up until now, there may be some things you should change: get a new haircut, visit a piercing-studio, start to watch wrestling and move to a big city. strengthen your political position. enjoy visiting your family events with your new lover. absorb the burning desire every member of the opposite sex is developing for you now and convert it into your personal spiritual energy. dance!

b&d: oh my god. you don't want to know. forget about this test. it never happened.

d&c: hello mr. haneke! thank you for visiting my blog. you are a serious man, aren´t you? but beneath your stiff intellectual appearance lies a heart, that wants to be fed with love. be aware of that! the world needs people like you. don't let your emotions rule. stay clean! stay strong! get your oscar!